that thing called love...

"love"

this weekend i went to ABQ. a love (of 7 years) resides there---exactly a year ago, i had to break it off, however. i wasn't good to him...didn't treat him/shower him...with the love i know he deserved. and it wasn't fair to him, or to me. i know it hurt him immensely. he wanted to take the next step with me...marriage, family.

i felt all of a sudden my world was imploding...caving in all around me.

i know he's a great man. a REAL GOOD MAN...and for a long time i didn't have a reason to leave, so i stayed...he's everything a woman wanted in a man..."WE" were everything people dream of in a relationship. both intelligent, attractive, fun individually---& great fun together, noone ever felt 3rd wheelish around us, real laid back, cool...i had so many friends who wanted that perfect relationship, and looked at ours as that picture of perfection.

but truth was...it wasn't. i wasn't. i know i'm far from perfect (i'm perfect in my imperfections). i think & somehow...i still wonder...will i EVER be? not perfect...but the relationship type? i know i am capable of loving, but will i ever be capable of commitment? cuz love...it just isn't enough when it comes to relationships. the only time love can be enough is with your children...

i've always known that being a mother would be in my future, but being a WIFE? a companion?? i always thought as a child, marriage would never happen for me...and even if it did...my idea of the union would be so far fucken off---who would WANT that.

this past weekend, i wanted to see my ex...touch base with him, talk to him...see how he was, what's new in his life...but he didn't call and i'm not all that surprised. for a minute, i did imagine, "what if he's with another woman?" could he have moved on with the "rest of his life" with her?? he's not getting any younger, i know...but i know he doesn't settle either...but then again...maybe he will. who knows. i don't. at that instant of imagining those things, i felt as though i had lost a bit in me...b/c for the first time since i left----i could be real with myself & say that, i've let go. when i thought about how my reactions were to "what if he's with another woman?" to be honest...i did feel a slight pain in my heart...temporarily, which is completely expected...but after that slight initial stab....i felt nothing. i got over it.

now...the "nothing" i felt....could absolutely & easily (i admit) be attributed to this perfected talent in me...my defense mechanism that has made me the strong, mentally tough, person i am today----simply stated: i let go easy. i move on...easy. i shut things out....easy. i close things out of my heart & mind..SO EASY..it's uncanny. it's something that knowing me...HE knew i was capable & probable of doing...it's something he feared i would do, to him...forget him...shut him out...leave him from my heart & mind...up until now...i haven't. i haven't out of the massive respect for him & what we had, shared...what we have, which is very much...very special. i do admire, respect & love him, still...but when it all comes down to it...i live for me. and if protecting ME means...i let go of him...then that's what will be the inevitable.

up until now, i always felt that apart of me...still held on just a bit in my heart to him & the idea of forever after, with him----perhaps one day i would be ready to accept such a great person into my life & love him like he deserved....but it's been a year, and i can't. i can't accept him...i can't accept, anyone.

so i'm left to ponder...will i ever?

will anyone ever understand...me.

i'm inspired outta confusion & pain to write a piece...tonight. g